Mp3shits

Wife: "How would you describe me?" 
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." 
Wife: "What does that mean?" 
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." 
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" 
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

Budget.co.ck

I decided to make my password "incorrect" because if I type it in wrong, my computer will remind me, "Your password is incorrect."

Therapist

An old man goes to the doctor for some tests. When he gets the results, the doctor tells him that he has bad news. The old man says, "Just give it to me straight, doc." The doctor says, "Well, you have cancer, and you have Alzheimer's." The old man says, "I guess it could be worse. I could have cancer."

Dicksonweb

After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."

Swissbit

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

Wintersexpress

What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away

Therapistfinder

Yo momma's so fat and old when God said, "Let there be light," he asked your mother to move out of the way.